Wedding toasts I almost gave.

So, at my brother’s wedding, my youngest brother and I were co-best-men. As such, we had to give a toast. Neither of us are good public speakers, so I went in search of a reading. I nearly read a passage which begins with these lines, which I have quoted here before:

Women conceive more readily, if taken
As animals are, breasts underneath, loins high,
So that the seed reaches the proper parts
More readily. Wives have no need at all
For loose and limber motions, pelvic stunts,
Abdominal gyrations.

But my wife said it was too dirty. And, really, the end of it implied that the bride was ugly. And I didn’t want to say that at all.

Another toast I thought of involved a prop. I was going to use my mother’s father’s old marble bag, which is round and brown. I was going to put two heavy rocks in it. Hold it up. Say, “Don’t worry, Tom! I’ll never let her have them!” He thought that was funny when I rejected it and told him about it.

Still another potential toast I carried around in my pocket that day as a joke. It read (and pardon the language):

Tom:
It sucks to be you.
Cheers.
Fuckers.

It’s obvious why I didn’t give that one. I did lose that index card. I hope whoever found it realized it was a joke.

But I settled on a long but beautiful quotation, which I will share when I find it.