They’re more fun when the holiday is on a Monday and when you have a short week to come back to. Seriously.
Other guidelines to get you through this long-ish week:
1) If you show up a few hours late to a party, don’t bother bringing food. It’s just for you. Don’t pretend you did something nice. Eat the food you brought.
2) If you’re at a party and come up to two people who are talking and you know both of them, you have to greet both of them. Even if you don’t like black people.*
3) If you’re at a party and sitting at a table of like six or seven people, all of whom you’ve known for years, you are required by the most basic fucking etiquette to talk to more than the person to your left — at least to say “Hi” or something like that. If you don’t like people and don’t want to talk to people, don’t ever go to any fucking parties!
4) If you’re not cooking or helping or doing anything but sitting, no one gives a shit if you think the food is taking too long to cook or how much better your grill is.
5) If you’re the guy who likes grilling and does so through several people bitching, coming over to look at the food like they’re helping, etc., you are a very good guy (no, this was not me). You are a credit to your art. And when people ask you to grill bizarre things you don’t like to eat but you do it anyway, your awesomeness is proven again.
6) If you make it a habit to come to people’s homes, get into their pool and then skim the surface for leaves and bugs, you are a very good guy (no, not me, either).
7) Let me repeat: If you don’t like people and don’t want to talk to people, don’t ever go to any fucking parties!
*[But don't talk to me. I don't like crackers.]
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