I’m still reserving some patience for people who suggest meat for an infant.  Because, well, if someone thinks a six-month old should eat a steak, well, that’s so stupid that I’m not going to lose my patience.  Same with suggesting that meat-based diets are miraculously healthier than non-meat-based diets.  Sure, I know some meat-eaters (many, in fact) who eat healthier than some vegetarians I’ve known.  But that had more to do with dumbass vegetarians than meat being inherently good for you.

I shouldn’t say it, but people have been quiet about the no car thing.  Good.  Now that I’ve said it, this silence is going to stop, and we’ll have to start citing statistics to show that putting a kid into a car is what’s dangerous, if you wanna, you know, get scientific and factual about it and all.

We also picked a bouncy chair in very pink pink pink.  But, in our defense, the others were ugly.  The rest of her room could pretty much work for any human being, regardless of gender.  It’s that awesome.

But, maybe we’re not softening up as much as I think.  I think resoluteness feels more natural now, and I don’t feel like we’re being stern unnecessarily.

You have to pull out your furniture and clean under there.   You have to pay attention to your air quality.  You have to put away choking hazards, plug up electric sockets, bolt things to walls and put away matches.  You have to get rid of as much as you can (if you’re a semi-nomadic apartment dweller), think hard about what you bring into your home and measure and have decent abstract thinking abilities regarding space, color and light.  You have to be able to use basic tools, a paintbrush, a vacuum cleaner and a caulk gun.  You have to be good at keeping up on dishes, laundry and shopping.

And you have to clear away ISSUES.  Your issues.  Your [immediate and extended] family’s issues.  Your friends’ and comrades’ issues.  “Society’s” issues.

I’ve probably already beaten this dead horse, but we (and especially I) are (am) cleaning out the belfries of our (my) own minds and hearts to make room for Baby there.  I’m always happy to listen to people’s problems and to help out by sharing a beer/coffee or just taking a walk.  I don’t mean to repeat my, “You have issues?  I have a kid.  I don’t have the time for you anymore.”  I think that’s been said enough to make me sound cold and also has been said more than I really actually mean it.

I’m referring now to the fact that we have to protect our child from screwed-up people.  Not violent people or something extreme like that.  Stubbornness, thoughtlessness, ressentiment, spite, etc.  I mean that we have to protect Baby from what other people’s issues cause.

It’s — relatively – easy to directly protect Baby from some of these issues, certainly.  Take a stubborn and spiteful family member or family friend.  It’s simple.  He or she doesn’t get to hang out with Baby.  It’s not Baby’s fault that an individual is an asshole.  It’s the asshole’s fault.  So, the asshole deserves to suffer for the asshole’s own issues (if someone has to suffer for them), if the alternative is that our Baby suffer.  Simple.  Or maybe I buy into existentialist notions of human freedom too deeply and blame people too much for issues that are the result of their societal milieu or their upbringing — or genuine mental illness.

But the problem is that these kinds of issues have an effect on us, as parents, as a married couple and as individuals.  It’s easy to keep Baby away from spiteful or selfish people, but this spite and selfishness gets brought into our home in the effects it has on Mommy and Daddy.  We might come home in a bad mood.  We might fight with each other.  We might teach Baby about rage or revenge without intending to.  If I am going to blame assholes for being assholes (and I do), I have to blame myself (and Mama) for how I (we) react to assholes.

And this is tricky.  Do I follow my revenge instinct?  Or do I attempt to emulate Jesus or the Buddha or another figure who would counsel peace and love?  Do I lie to Baby about assholes?  (“No, s/he is not a mean person.  S/he just had a bad family life and takes the misery it caused out on everyone in the world.  There are no mean or bad people.”)  I’d certainly like Baby to understand that there are, in fact, terrible people out there.  There are a couple of them on my own side of the family, for sure.  But I’d like her to have an optimism about people that I do not have and wish that I did.  Or is that realistic at all?

I feel like what we have to “make room” for is a balance between forgiveness and protection.  Just enough forgiveness to not hate someone, but protection enough to keep mean people and their issues away from Baby.  Or, since this is probably not possible all of the time, at least to minimize the effect other people’s assholery will have on us.  Or something.

Mama wrote her dissertation on love, and I on hate.  Maybe we’ll strike a balance by accident, almost naturally?

I don’t mean people who give  you genuine advice on things like how to give a baby a bath, how awesome Boppies are, where to get really cool toys or what kind of non-disposable diapers worked (or didn’t) for them.  Not only do I not consider this kind of advice to enter into the realm of assholedom; I think it’s helpful.  I appreciate it. I never heard of a Boppy before some friends of ours turned us on to them.  I didn’t know how to give a baby a bath at all (and am still fuzzy on it).  We were steered away from certain cloth diapers by folks who have tried them and told us what they liked and didn’t like about them.  We found many cool giraffe toys at Target.  I am seriously grateful for a lot of the good advice people have offered.  And, lest I be accused of being negative and hateful, it outnumbers the asshole bossiness because I’ve been avoiding the latter folks whenever I can.

This is not the same thing as forcing your opinions and your issues on someone.  A list of sweeping generalizations, categorical imperatives, issues and misguided/misinformed opinions people have shoved down my throat (and I mean shoved):

You can’t raise your baby vegetarian.
You have to get a car!  You need a car!  You’re being stupid!
You’re going to regret not using “normal” Huggies [which were the only thing I tried].
I hope your baby don’t turn out too dark.
You gotta baptize that baby.  It won’t know no religion if you don’t.
You worry too much.
You think too much.
You have to/can’t vaccinate that baby.
You ain’t putting that kid on no bike.  No way.
Babies need meat!
One of you’s gotta stay home with that baby.

(I’m not going to give myself a headache by pointing out how half of this stuff is not even, according to most research, true.)

First of all, this is completely ridiculous.  Parenthood seems, in a way, to be the ultimate exercise in authority.  You have responsibility for an entire life.  For better or for worse (groan), that’s power.  Telling someone what to do with their dependent child is, in a way, stupid.

Second, by telling someone what to do with their child, you are assuming that: A) You’re not an idiot; and, B) The people you’re bossing around are idiots.  This is  insulting.  And, considering that all parents make mistakes and that some of them make big ones (and that I can’t help but notice that bossier people tend to be, in my eyes, shitty parents coincidentally), this is delusional about  yourself, i.e., that you can do something better than the person you’re bossing around, simply by virtue of the fact that you’ve already had a kid or two (or four).  I’ve already had the pleasure of sitting through people telling me what to do and how to raise my unborn child, when these are people who have not only completely fucked their own kids up, but who are, to be frank, stupid.

Third, you’re being rude — at best.  You’re not respecting the differences between people’s values.  You eat meat; we do not.  You drive everywhere in a car; we do not.  You buy whatever’s on sale; we think more about it, even if that means we have to sacrifice something else to pay for it (and what we do with our money is none of your business).  You think medical science is stupid if it contradicts what you decide is right with no medical or scientific training; we think that medicine and science are best left to researchers, not to products, out-dated practices and presuppositions.  (Sure, perhaps I can be accused of not respecting the values of a person who is wrong, thinks he/she is right and then forces it on people. So be it.  I don’t value or respect it.)

The useless aspect of this angry post is that most of the people I’m talking about don’t read  blogs at all, and none of them actually reads this one.  (So don’t get your panties in a bunch.)  I’m talking to the wind.  Or,  maybe, to a person someone else knows, who is tempted to get bossy might find it on the web after they bossed a person and got cussed out?  So maybe it’ll help someone?  Or, at least, I think it bears saying somewhere.  There’s a lot written about how to deal with bossy people, but nothing I’ve seen directed to these bossy people themselves.

Do you know what?  It’s not Okay to do that.  We shouldn’t have to deal with it; you should stop it.

But since people won’t stop it, I have to echo what everyone else says.  Remember that you are the parent[s].  Your child is everything.  Your child means more than other people’s feelings.  Do what I don’t have the guts to do and tell people who tell you have to raise your kid to shut the hell up.

See part i for more fun!

Okay, so I’ll brag about being a good listener.  I have friends and family members (and a wife) who take advantage of this in a way that is beneficial for us all.  Some people need a good listener, and good listeners usually like to listen and to be helpful by doing so.  Then there are people who (insert sarcasm and raise volume) really take advantage of good listeners.

When the answer to, “How are you?” or, “How was your [period of time]?” or “Hi,” is a ten minute speech about what you had for dinner, what you’re thinking of having for lunch, what aches and pains you have today, what small worries that any adult should be able to deal with and other bullshit most people never even say outloud — when this is a litany without even a returned, “How are you?” I no longer have patience for  you.

You can fuck off.

Buy a journal.  Your mental/emotional health is less important to me than my incoming child — so much less that it makes me feel guilty and then mad for feeling guilty for giving a shit about people who are so self-absorbed that they steal time away from an expectant father who they are fully aware is completely busy, tired, stressed and could probably use a bit of a listener himself.  Frankly, like any other human being, I only have so much patience to go around, and you can’t have any more of it.

This isn’t even about personality “types.”  I am an introvert, and I am married to an extrovert.  We balance each other out.  What annoys me about “speechers” is not their extroversion but their self-centered bullshit.  Being an extrovert doesn’t mean you have to be selfish.  My wife is certainly not.  If anything, I’d expect introverts to be this self-absorbed.*

I know I could just hint, nudge some individuals away gently, but this is a faulty approach to two reasons.  First, I’m a sucker and a wimp.  Second, I like to think that I like to help people when I can.  While it’s easy to tell someone to fuck off online (especially when they don’t read your blog or even know you have one), it’s another matter in person.  Third, speechers don’t get hints!  I know people who will keep talking to you when your cell phone rings, even when you say, “It’s my wife,” and they know this wife is pregnant!  Geez.

That is all the bitching for today.  Stay tuned for everyone’s favorite asshole thing people do when you’re pregnant: tell you what to do!

*[Of course, while we're on the topic of "types," what's also annoying is an extrovert masquerading as an introvert, as if you can fool anyone.  "I'm an introvert who has to think everything outloud to other people," is an incorrect assessment of how you deal with things.  There's no shame to being an extrovert!]

Also, Walmart’s coming to Remington/Old Goucher.  Wow.  I don’t know how I feel about this.  But I know some “buffies” who love the Walmart in Cockeysville who are celebrating.  They moved that fucker from the lightrail in Hunt Valley because, you know, people from “the city” were coming up and stealing shit.  I’m sure none of these little white boys get off soccer practice and steal themselves a Red Bull, right?  And of course we all know that the best get-away from crime is a mass transit train that leaves Hunt Valley station very slowly.

But at least it’s better than a car dealership.  Yes.  I said it.  We have enough cars killing pedestrians in this fucking city, thank you.

For one, that term is dated. Okay, it’s called “Climate Change” now by most people who pay attention and worry about it. We call it that because stupid people, every winter, say, “Oh, so much for Al Gore and his global warming.” If you go outside when it’s snowing and cold in fucking January and think that disproves global warming, you prove that you don’t understand it or even the basic concept of seasons.

And by attempting to disprove people who have actually studied this wrong by being stupid, you prove that you are an asshole. Yes. If you attempt to outsmart people you can’t outsmart by playing a game that is not the real game, you are an asshole. Snow in January doesn’t prove anything, and if you got off of your ass to study what you’re so worried about disproving — or passed first grade — you’d know it’s nothing unusual. Hell, snow in July doesn’t prove that “global warming” is wrong either.

And, for the record, global temperatures are in fact rising. That means that it could get colder in Baltimore forever, while temperatures rise everywhere else. Yes, global warming could make everyone sweat but you, and it would still exist, still be true, still validate good science in the face of stupid assholes who want to feel good about driving their fuel-sucking big trucks around.

If you’re so worried about “global warming” being untrue, just be honest. Just admit that you think you’re better than everyone else and should be allowed to kill the planet. Admit it publicly, on a T-shirt in clear print. Leave it on your tombstone for your progeny to read, so they’ll know you cared more about yourself and keeping up your habits than you did about them. Do it.

Or, if you don’t want to admit that this is not about science, not about truth, but instead about lining the pockets of your leaders and their friends and about you never having to change your behavior — if you don’t want to admit it, you could just shut the fuck up.

You’re a bitch.

If I were the meat guy, you’d get spit, shit or worse in your next sandwich.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been kind of a Dee I See Kay lately, at least on my blog. I’ve been reacting strongly to strong stimuli, but I’ll not cop to over-reacting. I have grown exceedingly impatient with people’s dismissals of things they don’t agree with. Isn’t that what I do?

No, it is not. Thought-through reactions and gut reactions are not the same thing. While one may certainly disagree with someone and do it strongly, I don’t think one could claim that anyone can type fast enough for long blog posts that get thought about before being typed up, revised before and after being published and sometimes sit in the que while I make sure I still want to publish them count as gut reactions. The whole point of a gut reaction is that it comes from somewhere else than our rational brains.

Having a gut reaction like, “You’re wrong,” or, “I disagree with that,” or, “No!” to something that is actually thought-through is irrational and foolish.

And it’s insulting. Say that Julie tells Billy that she’s upset with the way that he, I don’t know, gives in to his controlling best friend too much. Julie thinks it through, formulates it and expresses it as clearly as she can. Billy gets mad at being told he’s wrong, and he reacts with a, “Fuck you! You’re a bitch!” Gut reactions to reason are something animals can do, you know.

Someone I know and see every single day (!) likes to tell me that “it’s hard to disagree with [me]“. I try to shut up if I haven’t thought yet. I try. I often fail. Reactions that pass from the outside world right back out without running through the filter of our rational faculties are unintelligent. Am I claiming to be smarter than my just-as-educated interlocutor? Certainly not. Am I claiming to put more….consideration into my “position” than gut reactions to the contrary? Yes.  They could, too, but they don’t.

And that’s what’s so fucking frustrating about semi-universal gut reactions. While I know some backward people (SHIT!), for the most part, the people that surround me personally are intelligent. So when we react stupidly, it’s frustrating precisely because we’re not stupid — we could and should do better! And I’m sure I do it, too, because I am a stupid ass and can fall into the same stupid patterns of behavior as everyone else, likely more so if you really wanna know. I’m not claiming to be perfect. Ask my wife; I can be a huge asshole and often. Seriously. As if you haven’t picked up on that already.

Thinking about one’s response/reaction, well, that’s not a gut reaction. When people disagree with us intelligently, we might see that we’re wrong and grow. Or, they might. Gut reactions don’t help anyone, not even the reactor. We just spread stupidity.

Via The New York Times:

Citing the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s call to civil disobedience, 145 evangelical, Roman Catholic and Orthodox Christian leaders have signed a declaration saying they will not cooperate with laws that they say could be used to compel their institutions to participate in abortions, or to bless or in any way recognize same-sex couples.

The latest on President Obama, his administration and other news from Washington and around the nation.

“We pledge to each other, and to our fellow believers, that no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence,” it says.

The manifesto, to be released on Friday at the National Press Club in Washington, is an effort to rejuvenate the political alliance of conservative Catholics and evangelicals that dominated the religious debate during the administration of President George W. Bush. The signers include nine Roman Catholic archbishops and the primate of the Orthodox Church in America.

They want to signal to the Obama administration and to Congress that they are still a formidable force that will not compromise on abortion, stem-cell research or gay marriage. They hope to influence current debates over health care reform, the same-sex marriage bill in Washington, D.C., and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation. (More….)

Sure, I suppose you could be an intelligent homophobe.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Most of the truly homophobic people I’ve come into contact with are pretty stupid.  That’s been my experience.  I’m not making a universal declaration that all homophobes are stupid.  (So keep your hyperbolic hatemail to yourself.)

Why do we “liberals” get to determine the laws according to our own preferences?

One, the Constitution does not support what these people are doing. That’s why they want to change it. We do not have a State Religion. We should not. No, never. Do people who run around saying that “America is a Christian country, founded by Christians, so you heathens just shut up and let us pray in public schools” realize that theocracies can and often do result in hate and violence?  Heard of the Taliban?  If we let “Christians” legislate their religion, you know what will happen next (among other things).  People will realize that there is no such thing as “Christianity” and will war with each other over their own interpretations of the New Testament.  Faith versus Good Works.  Transubstantiation versus symbolism.  We’re dealing with petty, small-minded people here.  (I’m not saying that all Christians are small-minded; just the haters, and they’d not all Christians.)  Do you really think they’ll take over the country and just live and let live and not go after each other?  If they win, they’ll see, for instance, that Catholics and radical evangelicals don’t have enough in common to be grouped together, really.  And if you did group them, you’d have to be broad enough to include a lot of “non-Christian” religions, too.  Oh.  Shit.

Two, the hurt caused by treating gay people like, you know, everyone else, is that of the sensibilities of some people.  “Oh, shit, Uncle Jackroy is sad because gays get to marry, and he’s crying because they elected that n—–r to be President of these United States.”  Oh, shit, indeed.  Ignore the fact that I am probably not the only one who thinks these sensibilities are retrogressive and ignorant, i.e., that they don’t deserve consideration as much as other people’s rights and liberties do. It’s only people’s feelings here. Discrimination, on the other hand, destroys lives, livelihoods, creates a culture of fear and hate when it’s suggested that beating someone to death because of their sexual orientation is not a hate crime. Not discriminating makes some people uncomfortable. And, knowing more people like this than I care to admit, I don’t give a shit.

In fact, I like it. I love it!  I love love love it when racists in the U.S. have a black President. I love love love when homophobes get all uncomfortable around homosexuals. I love love love it when people’s hate hurts them. I’m mean, and I can’t help it.  People who are not particularly nice getting what they deserve doesn’t sound as bad as other people suffering for these haters’ hatefulness, right?  I mean, getting rid of the hate would be ideal.  But that’s easier said than done, and, and, AND — we don’t get the sense that these people want to give up their hate, now do we?  They’re marching on Washington!

But then I might fall into the “thought” of the haters, that some people are better than others and that the “lower” people don’t deserve equal social or legal consideration. But there’s a difference between being a gay-hating bigot and being born gay. It’s not discrimination to show disfavor to gay-haters. It’s a reaction to something they freely choose to do. We all have the right to feel how we want, to hate who we want. But when haters try to change the law and re-make The System that already fucks over some people based on facts about them that they didn’t chose (ethnicity, gender, sexual preference, economic circumstances, geographical location, etc.), that’s in infringement on the rights of these people and an affront to everyone else whom these weak scum-fucking-buckets might decide to push around in the future.

The Insane Right (not to be confused with regular conservatives who actually think and some of whom I know read this blog and who I like a great deal) is going after gay people and abortion rights today. Tomorrow, it might be people in inter-racial marriages, people with “too much” education, people who are better at them at sports or arts-and-crafts, people with green eyes, people who don’t go to church, people who ask too many questions.

It might be you and me.

“The Family” should not necessarily be decided by social consensus, as if stupidity in numbers makes something morally right or factually true.  We could all be wrong. Wasn’t long ago that we officially fucked over black people.  Now it’s all unofficial (but still systemic), but at least laws sorta protect black people, ideally, on paper at least, a little.  Shit, I couldn’t live in the neighborhood where I live now just 50 years ago — for being Catholic, too close to an immigrant and for my wife being black.  That’s not that long ago!  My Mom, who is only second-generation, could not live there when she was born.  This is all recent!  Wasn’t that long ago that a white man and a black woman were not legally a family because we couldn’t get married!  Not a family!

What, do we think we have our heads sufficiently out of our asses that we can collectively be persuaded to define “The Family” by a dick, balls and a vagina?

Wow, that’s crude!  But.  Still.  What about infertile couples?  They can’t have kids “naturally.”  They might have resentment over it and be “bad parents,” right? (I don’t think so at all.)  Not to mention the fact that I personally and closely know exactly (?) 27 people who should never ever ever have become parents, all of whom really like the penis-vagina thing and most of whom are gay-hating dinosaurs themselves.  Research doesn’t show that same-sex couples make bad parents at all.  And everyone knows there are more orphaned children on the planet than there are heterosexual couples willing to adopt them. And, I’m not a sociologist, but I never understood the insistence on “the family” anyway.  I know several people who would have been way way way better off without their “families” — but this is still a little alien to me, since I think I had some pretty damned good parents.

I do realize the irony of this post title and its content.  You know what?  Firstly, I’m not trying to change laws, only ranting.  Secondly, fuck you if something on a website you chose to read (and a long post at that) is breaking your heart.  Go to GodHatesFags.Com for some solace.  Or, you know what, instead of hating on haters who hate haters, go save some souls.  Feed the poor.  Volunteer your time.  LOVE SOMEBODY.

I think how angry this and other things make me should be a signal that I need to change something.  I’m flirting with resuming a mediation practice (hence the playful jab at early-rising Buddhists).  But meditation is hard work, and I am a lazy man.  So it’s slow-going.

Now, as Harrison Price reports from the Washington Post, liberals are stepping down into the mire and using the same fear tactics, the same “with us or against us” tactics, the same logical fallacies employed by the Bush administration that run something like, “If you’re not with us, you think puppies are evil and should be fed to Nazis in the their soup!”

So, regardless on where you stand on healthcare reform, the situation is that the Right is holding rallies, and the Left wants to respond with rallies, all the while urging a civil conversation, or debate at best.

What do we do?

One could argue that our goal is healthcare reform, not to try to bridge the chasm between the parties.  That we should pull out all the stops like “they” do.  That, frankly, a lot of the people (certainly not all of them) at these rallies are acting on fear and anger and prejudice and a number of other factors that not reasoned thought.  That there’s no use in trying to talk to or reason with such people.  That we should harness their rage and turn it against our enemies.  That “they” started it.  That we can do a lot without stooping below “them”. (Not to mention some increasingly typical elitist liberal bullshit that makes me ashamed of my frequently Leftish leanings when I hear it.)

Would escalating the situation fix it?  Because, you know.  History shows us.  This.  When people are angry, if you make them more angry, the situation never gets worse, never explodes, always gets better.  Wait….

But would a rational conversation (insofar as anyone can have a rational conversation about healthcare anymore) work on anyone who is driven by fear and Limbaugh/Beck or by anger against the Left?  I mean, if you bracket moral/ethical concerns or even rhetorical devices like not stooping quite as lowly as your opponent does (yes, I think it can be a rhetorical device, and I’m guilty of using it), should the Left be more concerned with what works and what gets their position into minds and hearts and less about taking whatever moral highground they’re supposed to occupy if they’re civil?  I’ve chided Mr. Obama in private for being so danged concerned with not making enemies and getting everyone to agree that nothing is happening after eight months in office.  Is being civil worth it? When yelling and manipulation get the job done, should the Left do as the Right has occasionally done (and as the Left has occasionally done, too; make no mistake) and just go all out?

Or is being civil and rational and trying to get “both sides” to work together and probably not really getting anything done right away the way to go?  Sure, we might not pass any healthcare reform this year.  But if we stay civil, might we evolve a little and work together more and start getting at the fundamental problems with our government?  Besides, nothing’s exactly getting done in the currect agitated state of affairs, is it?

Here’s a question for the folks who are frequently on the same side as I am: Do ya’ll really think that fostering anger and fear just because the Right is doing it is going to fix the situation and not just make it a million times worse?

Of course, being pregnant, this happens more than usual.

There is a difference between offering advice and telling us what we have to do. You’d think most people would be smart enough to figure this out.

Advice, I like.  I’ve gotten and am getting very nice, friendly, helpful advice, even from people who I don’t necessary ask for it from. Advice on what kind of strollers people who like to take walks (like we do) would get use out of; good types of bottles; insight into the different kinds of reusable diapers around; hospitals to seek/avoid.  Not to mention the wisdom I’m hoping to soak up from family members I respect and look up to. You know what they don’t do?  Tell us what the hell to do.  No, we are not getting a fucking car.  No, we’re not feeding Baby meat, and you’re not a doctor, so I don’t give a shit what you think (the OB said it was fine).  You think we should wait to find out the gender?  Good for you.  When I already told you we want to know, I wasn’t asking for your advice, and in fact it’s insulting that you think you know what I want more than I do.

I mean, I’m not just being closed-minded when I get pissed off about people thinking they know the best way to raise our child[ren] and that they best way to deliver this “wisdom” is to say, “Don’t give me that shit.  You’re X.”  You’re such a credit to your child-bearing methods.  I’m open to advice but not being told what to do.  I’ve succumbed to being told what to do enough times in my fucking life, and parenthood is where it stops.

You know what parellel I’m seeing?  People who are being the nicest and the most helpful without being bossy are also people who, in my humble opinion, I consider to be GOOD PARENTS! (My parents included and some friends who are new parents and some people who don’t have kids but who I think would be good parents if they did).

Yes, if you have “friends” on Facebook and read it all the time without ever posting anything, you are creepy.  (Except my Mom, who can do whatever the fuck she wants, and no it’s not hypocritical to not find your Mom creepy.  SHE’S MY MOM!)

Okay, maybe I only mean like one person.

You should be aware that you broke two laws this morning.

First, in Maryland, pedestrians have the right of way.  That is why there is a big fucking white walkway that you can even see from the vast heights of your SUV seat.  There was even a sign there to remind really really stupid people of this fact.  There’s even a picture on it in case you can’t fucking read.  You are not allowed to drive through a crosswalk with a pedestrian in it, especially not gunning the engine because little pedestrian guy made you slow down.  I am well aware that I walked right in front of you as you turned into the driveway by ten or twenty yards.  That’s my right, wanker.

Also, in Maryland, it is illegal to blow your horn at pedestrians.  People turn around, look at you, and walk into more assholes who ignore people on foot.  Even though you did wait until after you passed and even though all you managed was a pussy little horn pump.  (SUV, sissy little horn pump, guess you’re compensating in a way so classical it makes me sick…)

I thought about going to find your car on the back lot where you were headed and leaving you a nasty note.  Then I saw your Assholemobile out front, where you found a nice spot near the door.  I even thought about waiting for you to come out so that I could tell you that you are, in fact, an asshole.  But, nah, too many nice folks milling around for me to ruin their mornings making a scene.  You did look small in that vehicle.  I’ll bet I could take you.  Besides, salmon colored polo shirts don’t make you look very tough.

And in case you were wondering, yes, that gesture was me giving you the finger in front of old people.  I hope you get a fucking ticket twelve times today, even though the PoPos can’t ticket you for being a douchebag, in which case you’d probably lose your license.

Love and kisses,

This Dude