All these random effects of parenthood.


Boy, the patience you find!  Despite being chronically sleep-deprived, you find more patience for other people’s demands.  Whether it’s demanding your time or attention, not cutting you any slack (despite being parents oneself), or insisting that one’s feelings are more important that yours or even your child, we get to encounter lots of people who test our patience all the time.  My favorite?  A smoked-out Hampdenite with three teeth and a cigarette in hand who stops you on the street to demand, “How old?”  That’s barely an intelligible question.  I almost responded, “I’m 31.  How old are you?” once, but, like I said: patience.

Must be something built into the human race, for people to test the patience of new parents and, thereby, strengthen it so that we have more patience for our children and our marital/relationship adventures, as we add “mother and “father” to our list of roles.  Maybe it keeps us a calm when our daughter pukes all over herself, highchair and floor or when she gets up when we’re going to bed and stays up until 2 a.m. (like last night!).

Empathy!  Parents gossip about one another, even new parents.  I’ve repeated the story about someone I know who loudly won’t give his/her kids candy or sweets but has given him/her both alcohol and caffeine in my presence.  I even thought some other people were crazy for bragging about their baby sleeping through the night at six weeks (holy shit!) when it was precisely because this kid was out with his/her parents until midnight regularly and that “sleeping through the night” to them meant that said baby would sleep from 1 a.m. when they got home until around 6 a.m. when they got up for work.

And this was before I was a parent!  I find myself empathizing with people whom I’ve judged and/or gossiped about because I know people are judging Mama and I, are analyzing our choices, etc.  I know because I can “tell” and because people people tell us and/or judge us to our freakin faces!  “You read too much,” is a nice one, complete with implied resentment over our massive [over] educations.  “That’s not what I did; I did X,” is another one, wherein you have to make people feel better because they made/make different choices than you did/do, even when your kids are close in age.  “You need a car,” is one I’m going to start peeing on people’s shoes over, along with, “What are you going to do when/if she wants to eat meat?”  “Sorry you feel guilty for the 7-passenger SUV; that’s your problem,” I feel like yelling.  And I want to shake people by the shoulders to force them to tell me the last time I forced vegetarianism on anyone who has a choice.

My point?  I find it easier to understand being on the receiving end of assholery these days.  And more patience.  But I wish people wouldn’t reiterate it all so damned much.

Fuck this; I’m going to walk everywhere.

This is getting ridiculous. There’s already no fucking way I’m flying anywhere and letting someone either check out my little daughter naked or feel her up — which is to say nothing about getting my own crotch fondled. I mean, picture it. You apply to be a TSA officer.  You get to check out naked people all day, on a computer that you supposedly can’t save images from and take home for your wankbank. Supposedly. You can’t take a picture of the screen with your CRACKberry, either (oh, the puns), right?  No, of course not.  Because jobs where privacy is an issue never attract perverts, right?  And the government is so great at weeding out people from such “high security” jobs, right?  I mean, we never had a cokehead for a President, right?

From The Hill:

The next step in tightened security could be on U.S. public transportation, trains and boats.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says terrorists will continue to look for U.S. vulnerabilities, making tighter security standards necessary.

“[Terrorists] are going to continue to probe the system and try to find a way through,” Napolitano said in an interview that aired Monday night on “Charlie Rose.”

“I think the tighter we get on aviation, we have to also be thinking now about going on to mass transit or to trains or maritime. So, what do we need to be doing to strengthen our protections there?”

Also:

Note how quickly preventing a possible terrorist attack expands to include catching illegal immigrants, and preventing drug and what sounds like “cash smuggling.”….It’s not difficult to envision the day where anyone wishing to take mass transportation in this country will have to first submit to a government checkpoint, show ID, and answer questions about any excess cash, prescription medication, or any other items in his possession the government deems suspicious. If and when that happens, freedom of movement will essentially be dead. But it won’t happen overnight. It’ll happen incrementally. And each increment will, when taken in isolation, appear to some to be perfectly reasonable.

I got so paranoid over the weekend, that I used cash at two National Park Service giftshops. Big Bro doesn’t need to know which pencils I bought, etc.  It’s 2010; I never use cash.

And I finally came out to my father what my wife and I have discussed in increasingly serious tones: if the Teaparty takes over the Presidency in 2012, we’re fucking out of here.  There’s probably already a list (or series of  lists) we’re on at the FBI because we have doctorates in humanities.  Shit, they probably know about this blog and my real name.  If those crazies take over, educated “liberals” (and I don’t self-apply that label) will be at the top of the list of people to watch, if not harass or imprison.

It sounds less crazy with a history lesson, before anyone pulls out their prescription pads.  (I will stop talking about this now.)

Took my daughter to vote yesterday.

The election judge gave her an I VOTED sticker also.  This is Maryland.  There aren’t many people to vote for who are not moderate Democrats, which is to say, full of shit.  For Governor, I didn’t vote for either of those smug bastards.  How different is Maryland, really, since the last governor?  Or the one before him?  We have higher taxes and a new license plate.  But.  Still.  I stood there and knew that it really didn’t make much of a damned difference which frowning/smiling smartass I voted for.

It didn’t make a goddam difference because voting is the most that the majority of us do.

The Big Boys have us so lulled that we think that voting matters, and then we demonize people who don’t vote.  I know; I’ve done it, probably on this very blog.  Voting for one crook over another isn’t going to change one damned thing when a person doesn’t do anything else. Do we think laws are doing to save young men from lives in crime and sloth?  Or the Boy Scouts and other youth groups?  Is a piddly fine for driving with your cell phone going to stop people from the general assholery to which they are accustomed?  (Shit, I don’t know what will.)  Nothing the current government can do (much less anything they will do) is going to save any of us.  I can almost see where those teaparty nutjobs are coming from.  But, then again, morons from Alaska and Glenn Dickhead aren’t the only alternative to Washington inertia.  And, well, we all know where a lot of the teaparty rage comes from.  You know.

And we don’t even have a radical left anymore to fight the teaparty nuts.  “Everyone calm down.  Let’s work together!”  or, as Obama might put it, “I want social change, but I don’t wanna piss anyone off to get it!” The Civil War is what happens when there’s huge social change.  Lynching in the South.  Riots in the 1960s.  The obnoxious riots from the teaparty nuts are not a reaction to anything real or even threatening.  Not enough people are burning shit or really going nuts.  Yelling and signs don’t count.  This could mean that we’re all asleep (like the bumper sticker says).  But I think it’s more indicative that nothing is changing.  And I feel  like a fool for thinking, two years ago, that a lot was going to  happen.  In my (and countless others’) defense, after eight years of Bush, we were right to hope.  But we were wrong to channel our hope into campaign buttons and a vote and to stop there.  Obama told us that back then.  We sat around and waited for the magic new President to save us from the demons of the Republican party who are, you know, so different from the crooks in our own party, right?

Moderation happens when competing extremes can only work together through compromise.  It happens when neither side can win and when there’s no alternative.  When moderates and right-wing nuts fight, where would that compromise go?  A little right?  Or, since few so-called “liberals” really give a shit anyway, it might go largely right, no?

Watching people speed past kids, talking on their cell phones; learning about businesses screwing over my friends who work for them; experiencing first-hand what happens in an insurance state where no one wants to pay for you getting run over by a car; — In all this, I want more government, or, at least, more regulation.  I always say that it’s because people are assholes that we need laws.

But  our government doesn’t work.  Can any?  I thought anarchists were naive because they seemed to believe in some inherent goodness in people that I just don’t see.  But maybe they see an inherent evil in governments and power that I ignored?  Or, perhaps, I was a fool to see the lack of goodness in ordinary people left to rule themselves and also the terrible lack of goodness in people elected to and paid to lead us.

My wife chided me for voting for the Green Party candidate for governor.  She said that I threw my vote away. But did I throw it away more — or less — than someone who stepped in line behind their party (whichever it is) and hit D or R whenever asked?

Making room for Baby.


I’ve discovered, somewhat the hard way, that making room for a child requires much more than buying a crib and diapers.

You have to pull out your furniture and clean under there.   You have to pay attention to your air quality.  You have to put away choking hazards, plug up electric sockets, bolt things to walls and put away matches.  You have to get rid of as much as you can (if you’re a semi-nomadic apartment dweller), think hard about what you bring into your home and measure and have decent abstract thinking abilities regarding space, color and light.  You have to be able to use basic tools, a paintbrush, a vacuum cleaner and a caulk gun.  You have to be good at keeping up on dishes, laundry and shopping.

And you have to clear away ISSUES.  Your issues.  Your [immediate and extended] family’s issues.  Your friends’ and comrades’ issues.  “Society’s” issues.

I’ve probably already beaten this dead horse, but we (and especially I) are (am) cleaning out the belfries of our (my) own minds and hearts to make room for Baby there.  I’m always happy to listen to people’s problems and to help out by sharing a beer/coffee or just taking a walk.  I don’t mean to repeat my, “You have issues?  I have a kid.  I don’t have the time for you anymore.”  I think that’s been said enough to make me sound cold and also has been said more than I really actually mean it.

I’m referring now to the fact that we have to protect our child from screwed-up people.  Not violent people or something extreme like that.  Stubbornness, thoughtlessness, ressentiment, spite, etc.  I mean that we have to protect Baby from what other people’s issues cause.

It’s — relatively – easy to directly protect Baby from some of these issues, certainly.  Take a stubborn and spiteful family member or family friend.  It’s simple.  He or she doesn’t get to hang out with Baby.  It’s not Baby’s fault that an individual is an asshole.  It’s the asshole’s fault.  So, the asshole deserves to suffer for the asshole’s own issues (if someone has to suffer for them), if the alternative is that our Baby suffer.  Simple.  Or maybe I buy into existentialist notions of human freedom too deeply and blame people too much for issues that are the result of their societal milieu or their upbringing — or genuine mental illness.

But the problem is that these kinds of issues have an effect on us, as parents, as a married couple and as individuals.  It’s easy to keep Baby away from spiteful or selfish people, but this spite and selfishness gets brought into our home in the effects it has on Mommy and Daddy.  We might come home in a bad mood.  We might fight with each other.  We might teach Baby about rage or revenge without intending to.  If I am going to blame assholes for being assholes (and I do), I have to blame myself (and Mama) for how I (we) react to assholes.

And this is tricky.  Do I follow my revenge instinct?  Or do I attempt to emulate Jesus or the Buddha or another figure who would counsel peace and love?  Do I lie to Baby about assholes?  (“No, s/he is not a mean person.  S/he just had a bad family life and takes the misery it caused out on everyone in the world.  There are no mean or bad people.”)  I’d certainly like Baby to understand that there are, in fact, terrible people out there.  There are a couple of them on my own side of the family, for sure.  But I’d like her to have an optimism about people that I do not have and wish that I did.  Or is that realistic at all?

I feel like what we have to “make room” for is a balance between forgiveness and protection.  Just enough forgiveness to not hate someone, but protection enough to keep mean people and their issues away from Baby.  Or, since this is probably not possible all of the time, at least to minimize the effect other people’s assholery will have on us.  Or something.

Mama wrote her dissertation on love, and I on hate.  Maybe we’ll strike a balance by accident, almost naturally?

Too much wisdom literature.

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A few years ago, my friend sent me a copy of Baltasar Gracián‘s The Art of Worldly Wisdom. It is, by the way, excellent reading. It calls to mind Marcus Aurelius and his Meditations, and I mean that in a very good way.  I was reading it a bit last night, and of course, I was struck by just how damned smart and relevant the maxims still are today.

I was also struck by how I was reading them: as interesting bits of information.  Not wisdom — interesting paragraphs.  I thought that, perhaps, it was the text.  Maybe it’s not as awesome as I thought.  But I’ve noticed in recent months and years that I seem to gloss over even my favorites like Thoreau, the Buddha, Emerson, Nietzsche, et al. Am I getting dense?  I don’t think so — though that is certainly a possibility, and there are certainly people who would say so.  (Ahem.)  I suspect that this is a result of studying philosophy for my entire adult life.

On the one hand, I think I might be somewhat numb to wisdom literature!  I’ve read so many wise things that other people have written and acted on so little of it that it’s all just a bunch of clever words most of the time.  When Aurelius reminds us that stupid people act stupidly and that we waste time and energy being upset about it, I still get upset when selfish people act that way.  How else do selfish people act?  Selfishly!

On the other hand, my philosophical undertakings have largely been academic ones.  By that I mean that I also read and have read immense amounts of bullshit.  We don’t act on philosophy; we write about it! And then we read about it and then write about that.  And then read that and write about what’s been written about, etc.  I think a part of me suspects that all wisdom and philosophy that we can read or learn from other people is just bullshit.

Am I claiming that a piece of philosophy that no one acts on is bullshit?  Yes.  Read some of my graduate papers that pissed off some of my professors (I was, after all, attacking their profession).  I’ve felt that way for a long time, and that’s a large part of the reason I decided not to pursue a career in academic philosophy. Why, then, did I pursue a doctorate?  I don’t know.  You imagine that you might be a different case, that you can keep your integrity and still gitterdunn.  Maybe I thought I would feel differently or that I might be wrong.  Maybe I was just too stupid and stubborn to stop.  That’s certainly the case now, where I’m finishing my PhD just to finish it and justify my time, energy and debt. (And, for the record, I got offered a spot teaching my own class at the exact school I always dreamed of teaching at just after my dissertation prospectus defense.  So, ahem, for the record, I didn’t simply wimp out of the search for a job.  I might have hurt the feelings of someone I care about who was looking out for me, too. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this.)

What’s my point?  I don’t know.  Maybe that the bullshit that gets forced on people in the academic discipline of philosophy poisons us against actually acting in a wiser fashion because the bullshit gets mixed in with the “real” wisdom (assuming that some of philosophy is actually wisdom literature, which I think is true).  I have known tons and tons of philosophers, and only a scant few of them acted like wiser people for their study of philosophy.  More likely, we just turn into snarky smartasses.  I wish I could count myself among the people who have studied philosophy and thereby act wiser for it.  Maybe it’s not philosophy.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe it’s a flaw in the “type” of person who chooses to study philosophy for a living, since so few of us do anything about philosophy.  But something’s amiss.

French press coffee: totally worth the effort.

Yes, I prefer French press coffee at home. Yes, it takes a little longer to make (unless you’re good at it, and for the record, I can have it made quicker than the last drip pot I owned), and yes, I do pay extra for locally roasted whole bean coffee. You know whose business it is? Mine. When I havent’ given anyone shit for the way they like their coffee (after all, I get coffee out a lot, and that’s not exactly French pressed) and in fact drink any coffee of any quality (camping, someone’s house, dive bars, etc.) that anyone offers me because I am in fact not a snob about coffee, I don’t deserve shit for the way I make mine. My choosing to make it a certain way when I’m at home is, again, my fucking business.

If someone thinks I’m stuck up because I make my coffee in a $12 thing I got at Ikea, maybe ya’ll have issues, not me. Seriously. When someone starts giving me shit just to give me shit when what they’re giving me shit about is not even a topic that’s come up, it’s textbook fucking projection or being a pain in the ass just to be one which is not nice and way meaner than anything I might say to defend myself. Does a French press evoke strong feelings? Too simple? Too French?  Unreal that I’m willing to pay more for the coffee I like because I don’t pay for other luxuries like cable, cars, etc.?

I don’t give anyone shit for the things they spend money on that I don’t, and everyone I know spends money on things I don’t spend money on which is not a fucking sin and none of my business.

I’m tired of people projecting their bullshit onto me. Fucking tired of it.

In America, Superbowl watches YOU!

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Holy shit, now all football fans are suspects:

Authorities at Super Bowl XLIII will be looking for more than just drunken fans. They’ll be watching spectators’ body language, facial expressions and demeanor to find suspicious people.

For the first time Sunday, federal behavior-detection officers will team with local police to use a controversial technique on people heading to a major event, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) says. The officers usually work in airports.

Behavior observation aims to find people in crowds acting unusually. A flagged person gets a casual interview from an officer who determines if he or she should be formally questioned or arrested.

How the hell are you supposed to tell when someone’s mad that Big Ben got sacked and when the bomb strapped under their puffy coat is itching them?  The ACLU thinks that

TSA should stay in the airports and let stadium security and local police do their job and monitor the crowd as they always have. Real life is not like a spy thriller where operatives with amazing intuitions are always able to magically pick out the people with something to hide. This is likely to slide into a thinly veiled version of racial profiling. (emphasis added)

I mean, I’m all for safety and what-not.  Who isn’t?  This isn’t safety, though.  In the real world — where security resources are always limited — wasting time, money and energy on things that probably won’t work makes little sense.  One could argue that this year’s game is the testing ground for this invasive new “method”.  That’s even less sensible.  Assuming that someone’s gonna try and bomb the Superbowl, I’d prefer to see a tested method, rather than this bullshit.

What’s going to happen next year, they’ll watch everyone at home to see how they react to the game or their wired cooler of Pabst*?

Read more (via Blog of Rights).

[*I'm not knocking Pabst.  I love Pabst, seriously.]