I am on the phone with my wife, who called me at work to chat. We have a friend who is ill, and my wife wondered what is worse when you are sick: upchucking or buttchucking? I think constant pooping is worse; she thinks knee-grinding vomiting is worse.
“I think pooping is worse.”
“What? No way. Puking makes your whole body hurt the next day.”
“What about explosive diarrhea? You’re bung burns for a week. You’re shitting all over the place.”
“But you can’t control puking.”
“I repeat: What about explosive diarrhea?”
“At least you can aim it.”
“Oh, fuck.”
“Yeah, dude, puking is the worst.”
“No, worst would be double-barreling that shit. Blowing out of both ends. You’re like painting the walls in bile and dooky. That would be hell. Holy fucking shit. That’s nasty.”
“Oh, my god. But puking is way worse than shitting.”
“No, not necessarily when you’re sick. I mean, only a truly fucked up individual would like to puke more than taking a big dump, like after you have after a nice pasta dinner in any given Thursday or especially after Chinese food. But when you’re sick, it’s no holds barred with that shotgun ass. Brown birdshot everywhere. You get all chapped back there, I’ll bet.”
“Geezus. How do you know?”
“What? I don’t know. I imagine.”
“Bullshit.”
“I’m saying that sick squirts are terrible because the whole thing ruins something that is normally pleasant. Normal people poop, and most of us like it. It’s not like you ever puke when you’re not sick. It always means something’s wrong.”
“You should put this on Facebook.”
“No, the person who’s sick is on Facebook. That’s just mean. How about the B L O G?”
“Heh heh, you should totally do that. I’m going to check.”
“Let me get this fucking poll thing to work….wait a minute….shit. I hope this works.”
So I ask my kind readers which bodily [mal]function that you find LESS pleasant when you’re sick — not in normal time?
